Most of you already know that Merida, the formerly white city, now boasts among its many attractions, an ice rink where public skating is offered to those Yucatecans (and people who have that aspecto fuereño thing going on) brave enough to overcome their reluctance to rent skates that were worn by who knows who and take to the ice.

Located in the Galerias Liverpool mall, the ice rink is also used for – get this – hockey practice! Being a Canadian, it was certainly strange to observe a group of kids ranging from 6 to about 14 years old decked out in full hockey regalia, shooting frozen pucks around the rink while shoppers and passersby watched with interest and amusement.

What I thought was interesting was that when the practices were over and a little scrimmage or mini game was played, it became evident that the referees (teenage kids) did not have a whistle! I can’t envision any kind of hockey practice without the shrill sound of a referees whistle, and it did seem to make it harder for the referees to get their point across during the practice.

But the overall impression was of how small the world has become, when you can buy salsas El Yucateco in any grocery store in Canada and play (or watch) ice hockey in Merida.

Finally all that boring stuff at the church is thankfully done with and everyone is in agreement that it was really a beautiful ceremony. It matters little how dull and uninspired it might have been, or how the priest doing the honors was really talking down to his congregation as if they were a bunch of Matamoros chicken farmers, his self-important speech, political references and grandiose hand movements that inspired me to think that his real arms were under his robes and that there was another priest behind him, out of sight, moving his arms along with priest 1’s words. His robes moved back and forth under his sweeping arm movements, like a fat lady’s arm flaps applauding at a football game, only in slow motion.

Yes, no matter what it really was like, it’s always a beautiful ceremony, mostly thanks to the radiant bride, with whom all the ladies present feel some affinity and/or pity, depending on how their marriage(s) have worked out.

Enough of the mass already! On to the party!

Once you arrive, you make your way to a table. This is done as quickly as possible since you don’t want to arrive late and have to sit with some people you don’t like and make small talk as if you enjoyed their company. I mean, all that ‘talk to strangers’ stuff has already been taken care of in the church, when the lady next to you in the poofed hair and heavily freckled exposed shoulders turns to you and says something about ‘paz’.

On your way to a table, you try to not to look desperately around for familiar faces of people you would like to spend the next few hours yelling across a table with while scooping mystery dip off a plate with your supply of Ritz crackers. Thankfully not all weddings serve Ritz n Dip, but it IS a popular menu item with many caterers.

Once you are seated, and if it is a good party, you can count on a waiter asking you what you would like to drink. If it is a really good party, the hosts will have printed for you a menu of the evenings dining opportunities as well as a list of the wine selection, cocktails and hard liquor available so you can avoid having said waiter tell you that most famous of local phrases: ‘no hay‘ (that isn’t available) Along with your drink, you can begin the scooping of the afore-mentioned dip with your Ritz crackers or, in the case of a classy wedding, help yourself to some fine cheeses and crackers that are not of the Ritz variety. There will be background music which will be of a volume conducive to conversation as people arrive and are seated.

Once the tables have filled, the music will start, a live band of some sort, doing cover versions of popular songs in different genres. The volume will be cranked up to the point where you are yelling at the person next to you and causing what I term ‘auditory fatigue’, where you become glassy-eyed and sit, looking at the people around you but unable to carry on any sort of conversation with anyone at your table, with whom your interaction is limited to occasional smiles, hand signals and shoulder shrugging whenever your eyes should cross paths.

At some point the bride and groom make their triumphant entrance, at which point everyone applauds. Sometimes there’s a toast, sometimes there is only the applause and then the hopefully happy couple, stressed and probably relieved that the hard part is over with, officially commence the dance portion of the evening. There is much animated yelling on the part of someone in the band designated with the challenging task of firing up the crowd. To this end, he or she will continue with frequent, repeated full-volume exhortations to get everyone ‘excited’. If you are not on the dance floor, nor have any plans to do so, your evening will be quite grim as you stare, numbed by the noise, noise, noise, noise (quote from my good friend the Grinch) at people around you in similar funk or at the fun people are having on the dance floor.

Speaking of music, the typical scenario is a live group, with what seems like an excess of vocalists. There will be some sort of percussionist, perhaps a bass and electric guitar, and the omnipresent keyboard/laptop filled with enough sonic effects to provide a soundtrack to a mission to Mars.

As far as the actual music goes, they will play cover versions of hits. The genres inevitably covered, in no particular order and played at every single party in Merida that I have ever been to are:

• tropical salsa and merengue, featuring predominantly Celia Cruz’s Carnaval;
• cumbia and reggaeton (the latter a new addition to the musical lineup);
• swing and 40’s tunes for the old folks, often in the form of a neverending medley;
• 70’s music, where YMCA will ALWAYS be included, along with Gaynor’s I Will Survive;
• the Timbiriche set (All Mexicans love the old pop group Timbiriche it seems – they go wild when this pap starts

If you have been to parties in Merida, from 15 años or weddings to birthdays, you will recognize each of these genres. Again, the quality of the interpretation of each of these yawn-inducing musical moments varies greatly according to the budget provided for it.

The music take a break, announced by a little theme song and choreographed stage movements aka vamps. It is before / during this break that the Ritz n Dip plates are removed and dinner is served. Again, depending on the budget, this can be a one plate affair or consist of first course like a salad or soup (or both) followed by the actual dinner itself. It is mealtime when the quality of Rigels’ catering really becomes apparent, because his food is cold when it should be and hot when it needs to be hot. It is also tasty and well presented. There are one or two other good caterers in town, but there are also a lot of improvising cheap ones as well.

As you are eating, if the event is planned well, there will be soft background music that will help in your actually enjoying your meal; poorly planned events overlook this small detail and will move into the next round of an eardrum-crushing onslaught guaranteed to make that limp, lightly salted, boiled cauliflower floret want to jump right out of your esophagus.

Once dinner is over, there will be desserts which range from the cloying, tasteless yet sweet corn-starch variety to some really delectable items. On a memorable occasion (last night for example), fine Belgian chocolates from L’Amandine along with home-made Arab pastries.

After that, the evening consists of two options:
a)either drinking in excess and joining the crowd on the dance floor, where all manner of fun is being had with the help of ‘props’, ranging from styrofoam headwear to maracas to slippers to balloons to you-name-it; all matched to the particular set of music being played at the moment. During Gloria Gaynor’s I Will Survive, for example, it is not unusual for the singer to put on a black afro wig and pretend to be black. Celia Cruz, well you get the picture and
b) drinkling in excess and staying at your table amidst an ever-dwindling crowd as people go home, having been fed and entertained. Bleary eyed, you patiently and determinedly attempt to finish all the whisky available and perhaps, if you wait long enough, will get to enjoy the late feeding at 5AM involving tacos and tortas de cochinita, another wedding and party tradition for those who party all night.

…. more later….

The day of the wedding, there are two important events (important at least for the invited guest, there are plenty of other important events for the couple doing the marrying) : the mass, and the party/reception.

Remember that we are in Mexico, the invitees can number in the hundreds and also, everyone is catholic which explains a lot of things about the state the country is in, but again I am digressing and that is definitely a subject for Christopher Hitchens, Sam Harris and Richard Dawkins.

So, we have a whole lot of people and a catholic church service. This is the case at least 94% of the time; I have been to a wedding – and fairly recently – where the religious portion of the marriage was performed by a Mayan X’men, or holy man, in an elaborate ritual complete with conch blowing, branches brushed all over the bodies of the participants to ward off evil spirits, lots of candles and plenty of smoke. All this on the beach in Uaymitun. Really quite different and as completely believable as any religious ceremony I have ever been to. Which, if you know how I feel about these things, says a lot.

Back to the subject at hand: for most weddings, you can expect that less than half of your guests will bother showing up for mass. While this part of the day is important for the bride and groom on occasion but more often than not, important for the parents, it is completely irrelevant to most of the people who are looking forward to a great party. So if the church isn’t full, this isn’t cause for concern. Depending on the priest doing the spiel, which in turn is a reflection on the amount of money invested in the eccliastical department, the quality of the mass will be either boring and ho-hum or interesting with lots of personal asides to the bride and groom and the parents. And your seating arrangements are not indicative of your relationship to the couple, which means you can sit wherever your heart desires. Don’t forget to bring along a few coins or a small bill, cuz that basket does get passed at one point. you know the church needs the money, I mean look at the condition of the Vatican these days! And, be prepared (and this can be frightening if you don’t understand spanish or the hypocrisy of catholicism) because all of a sudden people will turn to each other – and you – and wish you peace. You will not speak to these people again once out of church.

The music at the church is also important and again, the quality is directly proportional to your investment. An off-key violin trio and a shaky soprano really reaching for those high notes can make the most well-intended sermon go incredibly and horribly wrong. If you are lucky, you will be invited to a wedding like the one last night; the father of the bride had the taste and pesos to hire professionals: a small choral ensemble and orchestra, that played everything from Gloria (Haendel or Vivaldi?) to Morricone’s theme music from The Mission. Perfectly in tune and an absolutely perfect way to ignore the silly man at the front of the church in his frock, changing hats – from the tall cream-colored bishop model to the more casual holy red beanie – every time he moves from a standing to a sitting position, all the while making half-hearted attempts at humor and to present himself as the consummate humble servant of the lord. Indeed. In any case, the musical selections were perfect. Music in Merida’s churches has come a long way since Los Violines de Waldemar, I am happy to report.

After the whole ceremony is over, everyone showers the bride and groom with best wishes, hugs and kisses and then, it’s off to the next part, where they will meet up with the rest of the guests who somehow ‘couldn’t make it’ to the church. If the church is near the reception you can walk there, unless of course you are local which means you will probably get in your car, drive half a block and park it again, so that it’s close when you leave the reception later.

…………more later………….

Inspired by a wedding I attended last night, I thought it might be fun to do a little write-up regarding that most important of social occasions, the wedding. For those of you new to the Yucatan, you might find this useful. To make the article more readable, I will post it in several parts. This is the first part, dealing with most things pre-wedding.

Before the grand social event, which the father of the bride is responsible for paying in its entirety (none of that shared expenses crap that is becoming more and more common up north), there is that overwhelming decision involving the potential guest list. It is not uncommon here for weddings to have a guest list in the hundreds. From 150 to, as at last nights event, 650 guests to feed, get drunk, entertain. The guest list is hashed out between bride and groom, and their parents. The number is usually huge, and then whittled down to minimize no-shows and also the overall expense. As the list of invites moves from tentative to firm, it then again grows as all parties realize that they simply can’t leave out this or that person, especially when this other third person is being invited.

Besides family members who obviously must be invited whether we are getting along with them or not at the moment, and beyond the friends category, there is another group that requires careful consideration: the must-invite guests, those with whom (usually the parents) have acquired some sort of obligation, usually related to their careers. A bad career move would be to forget to invite your supervisor and/or boss to your offspring’s wedding! A good move would be to include not only your boss/supervisor but also the actual owner of the company you work for; this would add not only possible career advancement to your future, but also a certain status for you within the company and society as a whole. Everyone will be duly impressed with your clout when the owner of the company walks in, accompanied by his wife batting false eyelashes and draped in an imposing authentic fur throw.

A notice in the local paper, usually the Diario de Yucatan, is also a nice touch, under the headline ‘Novias del Mes‘ (brides of the month) where a studio quality head shot is accompanied by a brief bio outlining some of the family and groom’s details. This photos appears in the Local section, which is a popular second to the fluffy Sociales section which many Yucatecos turn to first to catch up on the latest social events and to criticize this or that person’s hair, dress, makeup or pose. It is a fun and popular activity for all ages and everyone participates.

The guest list now confirmed and agreed on by all concerned, the invitations are printed and sent out. These are almost always square, about 10 inches by 10 inches, folded and have the embossed initials of the bride and groom on the front in a suitably flowery font of the bride’s choosing. Much is made of the paper to be used as well, and whether a see-through cellophane envelope or a regular paper one is to be used. Everyone wants to be original, but not original enough to break out of the 10×10 square mold.

Inside the invitation, all the usual details are posted in a matching font to that of the embossed cover previously alluded to, along with the RSVP card and possible a note indicating at which stores guests can find bridal registry info in order to get that set of silver plated cutlery. If one of the parents has passed away, there will be a little black cross next to their name.

Invitations are to be hand delivered. This enormous task can be divided up among members of the immediate families and the whole custom is becoming a little less rigorous. Some people now leave several invitations for members of another family, for example, at the home of one of those family members.

If you are the lucky recipient of an invitation bearing the inscription “Don William Lawson y Famila” (fill in your name here), you can head off to one of the local stores that have bridal registries and be confident that the bride and groom are listed there – there aren’t that many local stores to choose from; Sears, Liverpool, and Chapur pretty well sums it up. You ask to check out the list, you can have it printed and choose something, pay for it, and the store (at least Liverpool does this but I imagine they all do) takes care of the nuisance of having to wrap and deliver the present. You pay, leave your information so proper credit can be attributed to you and you’re done.

Of course there are many many things to plan for the wedding. There is the dress, which is usually made specially for the occasion and requiring several fittings. There is a cake, the catering (!), the music, the venue, and and and and and….

There are quite a few caterers in Merida; but the most popular one at the moment and very socially acceptable if you know what I mean, is Rigel. That’s pronounced REE-hell. He has come up through the years from modest little events to doing the biggest and most elaborate social gatherings around. If you want your food to be tasty, attractive and actually warm and cold when it supposed to be, you hire Rigel. If you aren’t worried about those minor details, you could hire someone else.

Music is also plentiful in Merida. There are several groups to choose from and various degrees of interaction. Lately, the more the merrier is the norm. More on all that in a later posting.

There is the venue; which one you choose depends largely on your guest list and budget, in that order. Most of the venues in Merida are not particularly attractive; they are mostly huge empty spaces with shabby carpeting and very rough around the edges that most party planners try to play down with clever lighting and strategic placement of flowers and other decorations.

The church and priest also have to be arranged. Money is the key here, the more you can pay, the higher ranking priest will be available for your event. Of course, it also helps to be a member of ‘society’ as very few high-ranking officials of the catholic church will attend a nobody’s wedding. Bad career move.

Speaking of churches, the bride and groom have to be up to date in their church papers. They may find themselves at a little refresher course where they will be brought up to speed on all the charming details they may have forgotten about the bible story. Of course, payment is required for these lessons in faith and the blessings it will bestow upon you and yours.

More later…

What is it, I wonder, that makes people read my blog and then complain that if I don’t like it I should leave? Why are these people reading this blog? This is the blog reader’s version of masochism. Have yourself checked by a reliable shrink, please.

Did I say I didn’t like living here? Does the blog not indicate somewhere, at some point, that this is a blog written from the POV of a Neurotic Foreigner? Are there no other neurotic foreigners in town? Is it all charming and lovely? Of course it isn’t. It’s not charming and lovely anywhere all the time.

If you are one of those folks – not necessarily living in a trailer park – who find my ramblings a little on the negative side and wish I would go away, I have a couple of suggestions:

1. Don’t read my blog! I know, I know, it’s almost too obvious. But that’s OK. I understand. Sometimes we don’t see things when they are right in front of us. While this may seem painfully obvious to most regular people, perhaps you feel compulsively compelled to keep reading even though you know it’s damaging your psyche, your eyesight and causing you irreparable trauma that will require years of psychotherapy to unravel…
2. Browse around the internet for other reading options. There are at least two nice, white-bread websites – one is a government site that is SOO useful – that will cheerfully validate your tortured decision to come and live here. What my blog does is just look at it all from the viewpoint of the admittedly neurotic foreigner. I am a neurotic! I am not normal! Wake up!

Many folks have written to say they appreciate me telling it like it is; while some may not agree on some aspects of life in the Yucatan, they still understand that it is what it is and that the neurotic foreigner often has his tongue in his cheek.

Thank you.